3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
