I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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