thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
