my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
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