I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
