I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
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First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
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So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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