The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I have so many feelings about this burrito
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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