I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
