I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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