if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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