I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
