I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
