took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
