I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
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Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
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I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
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