what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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