Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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