Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
