if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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