I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
a search helicopter?!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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