I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
soo... how was my night?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
