So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
