OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
