No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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