someone threw a dead crab at me
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
