His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
