My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
