We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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