Having a random hookup so left but love u
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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