My sheets look like a crime scene.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
