...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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