absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
