Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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