I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
