Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
