You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
