I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
