New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
