She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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