so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i believe in u and ur pee
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
