i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
