I accidentally burped into my bong.
I could make wine with my vomit
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
