omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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