I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.