Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole