I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
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Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
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She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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