So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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