I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
