i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
