I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
