New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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