So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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