I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
