I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
