I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
