the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
