there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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