smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
wanna go halves on a baby?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize