drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I understand Curling. That high.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize