Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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