Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
